A true account by “Anne”
“Do you know how many Catholic babies end up in orphanages?” Why did she say that as if that was the worst thing that could happen to a baby? Why did she assume that I was Catholic?
Why did my little fantasy of being a single 17-year-old mum suddenly seem so foolish and stupid? But she was a doctor, and I’d been brought up not to question a doctor. “You have so much ahead of you, you don’t want to ruin your life, do you?” If only I had realised what the answer to that question would really mean. While she wrote out a referral to some doctor in an exclusive part of Sydney, she proceeded to tell of how simple it all would be, over within the week and I could go on as if nothing had ever happened, no one need ever know. Now she had my attention. I suppose hiding our mistakes is as old as Adam and Eve’s fig leaves.
Doctor Two painted as convenient a picture. Book in, sign here, pay up, be there. Walking away from his surgery I knew I could still change my mind. Or could I? Not one person had offered me an alternative, created any doubt of whether this was the right thing or not. Not one, except the still small voice within me that I now refused to listen to. So much for the fantasy.
I kept the appointment at the exclusive private hospital. In a large room, lined up like cattle, were girls waiting to be wheeled off to theatre. Nobody spoke. A nurse handed me a gown to change into and then I waited with the rest of them. And then that moment in time flashed, the one that says “the choice you make in the very next second of your life will change you forever.” A girl was wheeled back from theatre, still unconscious from the anaesthetic. Two nurses lifted her off the trolley and seemed to just toss her onto a bed, leaving her half naked for us all to see. At that moment I knew what an awful decision I had made. The tears began to roll down my cheeks, and great feelings of doubt were washing over me. I wanted to run. I wanted someone to say, “this is not right, there’s another way.” A nurse walked by, stopped and stared, and commented that it would all be over soon. I said nothing. My chance passed. I’d crossed the point of no return. I later left the hospital empty.
You can fool your brain, but you can’t fool your soul. Day after day for over a year I cried. I felt like I’d sold out on myself. The doctor had said it would be for the best, so why did I feel so awful? Lies, they were just lies and I’d bought them at the cost of a baby’s life. “Oh God, when will I ever feel right again?” God! I hadn’t spoken to Him for a long time. Not since I screamed at Him for letting this happen. Amazing how we blame Him for our mistakes. I’d always believed in God, but now He must hate me. He could never forgive me for what I’d done.
But God heard my cry. The wonder of answered prayer was beginning. Things were beginning to change. Wanting to leave the old life, I began to study again. The old crowd lost their attraction. Honesty began to matter more than popularity. A new man came into my life. He was different from my usual choice. He went to church. His family went to church. They started dragging me along. We fell in love and married.
I seemed to have everything. Someone who loved me, a new home, a new career, but something was missing. Although years had passed the pain still remained. The guilt and shame were still weighing me down. There were too many unexplained outbursts of anger and uncontrollable crying. I was going to church, but I wasn’t finding any answers. Once again I turned to God. Once again He answered. I felt this incredible since of urgency to go to another church. There the wonder of wonders began. The minister was talking about God in a way I’d never heard before. He spoke about God as if he knew Him personally. He spoke of Jesus and how he had given his life on the cross so he could offer forgiveness no matter what you’d done. That was it! The missing piece. Forgiveness! And all I had to do was ask for it. This time I dragged my husband to church. After many weeks of listening and hearing him explain about the grace of God found in Jesus Christ, and his death and resurrection, I committed my life to him. My husband committed his life to him. A new life began for both of us.
From something so awful, God in His mercy has given me a wonderful life. Filled with children and real friends, purpose and opportunities. I marvel at the transformation that God has brought. There are still those moments of sadness as I remember the life I chose to end, as although God forgives, sin still has its consequences. In great hope though, I can look forward to the day when He will wipe away every tear from my eyes. “There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
2 Corinthians 5:17 “If anyone is in Christ (she) is a new creation:… behold, all things have become new.